So, I joined the Y and have been swimming in the mornings before school.  I chose the Y over a gym because a) I’m fat (no, that’s not a cue for you to say “no you’re not”, it’s a plain fact — between the depression and middle-aged hormones and stress I have packed on some lbs) and don’t want to deal with the body shaming, b) it’s cheap, c) it’s close to my house, and d) I’m not a snob — I don’t need the elite/exclusive bumper sticker to get fit.  Plus also, I love the water.  I feel at home in my skin (maybe I was a mermaid in a past life), and swimming is a great low-impact workout.

So far I’ve stuck to a pretty good routine — my goal is 3x a week and for the most part, I’ve made at least 2.  Going into April, I plan to up it to 4x a week. I like going in the morning because by the time I get there the die-hard-swim-til-you-puke people have cleared out and I have plenty of room to go at my own pace.  It isn’t crowded, per se, but the seniors start to amble in which creates a different — but fun — dynamic.

The hardcore people are no fun to be around whether you’re in the gym, on the treadmill, or in the pool.  Between the grunting and the huffing and puffing and the gross, drippy sweat left behind on equipment — to say nothing of the weird smells — it is too much to handle at 7 a.m.  Or any a.m.  Like, do you even lift, bro?  And there is nothing worse than getting hit on when you’re there to work out.  Not that I’m saying I would be the object of anyone’s attention, but still…there is always that ONE creepy guy who just can’t seem to read a situation and goes out of his way to make you feel uncomfortable.  (Note to men:  don’t.  If you want to meet someone you’ve seen at the gym, time your departure to bump into her in the lobby afterward after you’ve both showered).  I speak from experience.  Not recent experience, but experience nonetheless.  (I used to work for a personal trainer and part of my job was going to different clubs to teach aerobics or Nautilus workouts and Water Exercise classes…many, MANY moons ago).

Anyway, I’m having fun, toning up, and enjoying the observations. Any day now the pounds are going to fall away.  I’m sure of it.

I’ve learned that circle swim means many different things to many different people, apparently.  To the uninitiated, it usually means that participants swim in a CIRCLE in each lane — on the right of the black line going one direction and on the other side coming back.  If the person in front of you is too slow, you need to either slow down or skip a lap until you can find a better spot in the rotation.  It is RUDE to swim around someone or touch their feet or swim up on them.  If you are the one who is too slow, you need to stop at the end and let the person behind get ahead of you.  It is RUDE to camp out in the middle of your lane and logjam the process.  If there were only two of you and you decided together to just split the lane, you have to be gracious and change it up when a third joins the circle.

Lap swimming is not the time to practice your underwater swim for the length of the pool.  People will crash into you when they don’t notice that you ducked under.  If you don’t know how to do a flip turn, don’t — it doesn’t make you look cool, and it does nothing for your efficiency.  In fact, it creates a hazard for the people behind you who will inevitably get kicked in the face.  Equipment:  if you feel the need to use fins or pull buoys or a kickboard to complete your workout, make sure you know how to use them.  You’re going to be faster with fins.  Adjust accordingly to the rotation. Your feet do not break the surface when swimming with fins.  A kickboard is not a shield or a pillow.  If you insist on backstroke, make sure you can swim straight and use the flags as a guide.  And keep your eyes open.

I recently had the pleasure of avoiding a guy wearing an “instructor” t-shirt in the pool.  The shirt implies strongly that he knew how to use the equipment, however that was not at all the case.  He would swim like hell as fast as he could to one end, creating waves and chaos the whole time.  Sometimes he would do all four strokes in the same lap.  Then he would grab a device and use it in the most creative (borderline pornographic) ways imaginable for the lap back.  I will never look at a pool noodle the same way again.

On the other 1/2 of the pool are the walkers and floaters.  These are my people.  They are friendly.  They are exercising, but not competing.  They are enjoying themselves.  They are there to socialize.  They need one of those floating bar things so that they can have coffee and donuts in the pool.  There is very much a pecking order, and new faces to the group just have to sort of hang about until they are invited into the group.  But once you have been accepted, they are genuinely happy to see you. So happy, in fact, that they will suddenly grab your hand to pray over you.  (I was unaware of this ritual and was quite taken by surprise, but I have to say it was a nice feeling to go away feeling loved and cared for by a total stranger.  I had a really good day that day.)  I don’t like to be touched though, especially when I’m 1/2 naked in a pool, so I have since avoided the hen party.  I prefer to stay in my lane, so to speak.

https://theoatmeal.com/pl/minor_differences2/locker_room

The locker room is another experience altogether.  This comic from the Oatmeal sums it up perfectly. There are women who will crowd around you at the lockers, or the open shower stall next to you, BUCK NAKED and proceed to hold a conversation.  I get it: it’s natural and all bodies are beautiful and blah blah blah, but there is just something about boundaries, amiright?  Like, I cannot deal with someone flossing their butt crack with a towel and nothing else while they are so close to me I can see their chin hairs.  They walk around the locker room buck naked, greeting everyone who comes in.  They stand at the mirror to dry their hair buck naked.  They get on the scale and pack their bags buck naked.  It’s too much nakedy that early in the morning.  As Seinfeld would say, “there is good naked and bad naked“.  The locker room rituals are bad naked.  Thankfully there are also shower stalls with curtains and dressing rooms with curtains.  I don’t sit on the benches, though, because I have a feeling there was a naked butt on them not too long before I arrived.

Maybe this week I’ll try to be more social — I’ll hang around the lobby for a coffee afterward with some of the regulars. In the meantime, I’ll just keep swimming.