I always thought it would be super fun to teach a class on Interpersonal Literacy, or The Art of Flirting.  Not because I think I’m super great at it, or even a little great at it, but I am a keen observer of human nature, and I have a high EQ — that is to say that in my capacity as a teacher, I am called on to understand the human condition and mitigate relationships and to monitor my own and other people’s responses, to discriminate between different sentiments and label them appropriately, and to use psychological information to guide thinking and behavior. In other words, my job is to read people:  the characters in the literature I teach, my students, my colleagues, parents, and other stakeholders.  I’ve seen some things.  I’ve LEARNED some things.

I admit:  I’m a social media junkie.  I use it regularly and check my accounts several times a day.  Over the course of a decade, I have watched relationships form and change and grow via these platforms, and I would go so far as to say as it is possible to form a deep friendship with a total stranger — a person you have never met face to face.  Maybe there is something about the anonymity of platforms like Twitter or Reddit where you can create a persona different from your own, or maybe it’s the intimacy of Facebook and Instagram where you invite others into your private and personal life.  Maybe it’s the adrenaline rush you get on Snapchat when you click send with confidence knowing the photo will disappear.  Maybe you appreciate the benefit of expanding your professional learning community and networking with like-minded thought leaders.  Regardless, social media has changed the way we interact with one another to the degree that it is affecting the dating game.

I have a friend who participates in online dating — she is a member of several groups like Match and Bumble and Plenty of Fish.  Some are better than others (as with everything), and there is something to be said for getting what you pay for, but it seems that these sites have caused a decline in civility and chivalry:  people don’t know how to talk to strangers. My friend collects screenshots and saves them in a folder on her social media page and if I didn’t know they were examples of absolutely true encounters, I would think she made them up.  Almost all of them begin something like this:

Guy:  Hi.  You have a beautiful smile.

Girl:  Thank you!  How are you today?

Guy:  Wanna get naked?  (or some other sexually graphic NSFW request, often accompanied by a graphic photo)

Girl:  *block*

When did this become socially acceptable behavior?  You would never walk up to a stranger in a bar and whip-IT-out after saying hello.  In fact, if you did get a date from a bar encounter, you would take days or weeks or months to get to know them before you broached the topic of a physical relationship (we’re not talking about hookup culture, that’s for another post).  Dating.  Old school manners.  Calling her the day after.  A demure peck on the cheek under the porchlight.  What about when comments are laden with double entendres or vaguely sexually charged comments?  Is that flirting? Now, I know I’m old and have been out of the game for a while and maybe I’m old fashioned, but there is something to be said for courting… a slow dance… the ritual of it all. That should extend to social media as well.

And the pictures!  Why would you want someone to see the goods before you have them on the hook emotionally?  What if your biggest insecurity about your physical state is ALSO their biggest turn-off? You’re shooting yourself in the foot, IMHO.  Besides, don’t you want someone to fall for your character?  Your brain?  Your personality?  If you’re a match on all the levels that matter, the photos can wait until you have a level of intimacy that it becomes a shared experience.  And besides, in the age of digital blackmail, why would you trust a stranger with something so personal?  But aside from unsolicited nudies, can we take a second to talk about profile pictures?  I’ve seen everything from a man wearing nothing but a Walmart bag to a dude covered head-to-toe in tattoos — and I mean COVERED — not a stitch of clothing or visible skin!  I’m just old fashioned enough to still believe that you only get one chance to make a 1st impression and I’m letting you fellas know that those pics are not making a good one.

Most of all, many of these profiles reek of desperation and loneliness.  Still, good manners need to trump all.  You should only want to connect with like-minded people, those who have common interests or are complementary to your character.  Use the medium to connect on those levels — likes, dislikes, goals, dreams, desires.  Employ the Proust Questionnaire! Listen as much as you talk, endeavor to be informed.  READ the profile — my friend has strong feelings about divorced men and children, yet every single invite she receives is from someone who wants children.  You are never going to talk someone out of who they are at their core.

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